You fucking guys.
Do none of you even understand?
I get it. I’m an obnoxious fucking bitch and I’m out for everyone. I deserve to get shit for it.
But didn’t you all see a fucking progression ? It’s not like I just decided to hate everyone.
It’s like I’m two different fucking people. Legitimately, I have two personas and it’s not my fucking fault.
It’s NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.
Half the time when all of you talk to me, I’m having realistic hallucinations. It’s not even me or how I would even respond. Are you aware of the imbalance of how fucked my schizophrenia can get sometimes?
I don’t fucking want to be this way.
I don’t even hate any of you.
Do you not understand how fucking hard this is?
Yeah I get it, when I act like that and have problems I can be an unbearable twit, don’t PUT UP with me, but don’t fucking attack me either. It’s NOT ME, it’s not my fault. At least just ignore me. At least just tell me to leave. Do none of you get that?
Especially you, you fucking asshole. You’re the worst? Do you know how bad it hurts to hear some of the shit you say? Even if I’m not consiously myself when I’m speaking to you, I can still hear what you’re saying. I’m still in there somewhere. The person that you at least used to pretend to care about. I thought at least you would understand. That you would know. That maybe you’d go a little easier on me. But no. What the fuck? I don’t expect you to still give a fuck about me, I know you’re past that, even if I’m not, but still, do you even see what you’re doing ? Nobody gets it, or they don’t fucking care. Even if you were all assfucks to me, I would still at least give you a break if I knew you had some type of shit that was making you that way. Can’t any of you do the same? He’s the only fucking one they gets it and he hardly fucking knows me. And now I’m going to get criticized because a part of me that I cant even control is a raging freak, and the actual me is seeking solace somewhere because everyone else turned on me or doesn’t give a fuck. God I must be such a low standard trashy prostitute whore. Why am I not chilling around with fake assholes who curse and harass people in a non joking way over things out of their control. God forbid I actually surround myself with someone who’s legitimately understanding and open minded, and even intelligent. Don’t all of you always establish the difference between booksmarts and intelligence? Someone can be a fucking moron and still be pretty actually smart. How can I even work on my mental stability when everything I do that’s healthy for me makes people riot and laugh at my existence. Wouldn’t you all want me to get better? Then you’d never have to put up with how intensely annoying I am again. Then I could be back to how I was. Back when I was okay . Teru says that there’s most likely no going back. That I’ve deteriorated way to far. He thinks I’ll only get worse. I could develop even more fake personalities within my mind and loose my original self entirely. But I don’t care. I’m going to come back. It’s going to be fine. You’re so hostile towards me now, dear. I know I’ve lost you. I’ve lost everything ive ever wanted. I don’t have anything left to fight for, but I’m still fighting. No matter what.
If you all want to be narrow minded pricks and criticize me for all of my choices and all of th’s things I can’t help, then that’s fine. I’m still here listening. I’m still inside this fucking fried up brain. Even if I seem like a new person. I’m not going to fucking leave. Fucking asshole.